An Uncomfortable Month

It has come to my attention that I truly only accept myself when I am performing. When I am completing the workout, cooking the food, writing my affirmations... anything to make my outer image and perception perfect and squeaky clean spotless. Well,

for about a month straight I have been all over the place.

First it was a couple weeks of being highly reactionary and short tempered to the point of intense meltdowns and tantrums. Then shifting and returning, the dark cloud of my teen years has sent me into a downward spiraling depression, losing all motivation for everything I've bene working towards for months. And when I feel this way everything hurts. My back, my legs, my feet. My body cries out. But I keep trying.

Last night I wrote out on my whiteboard, "How To: Have A Really Fucking Good Week" and last night I was hopeful about it. I pulled myself together. I did the things I needed to do. Today went accordingly. I put my strong, brave face on. I tried to keep it on. I tried, but it returned. The cloud returned right over me this time. Even after communing with the ganja in my glunt and thanking spirit. Even after it all. I cannot outrun this feeling. This gut wrenching loneliness of being an independent in a new town not knowing which way to turn. The worst part is when I work up the courage to reach my hands out through a call to a friend... or a couple... okay a FEW. And none of them answer. Is it better to speak or to die? I was proud of myself in the moment that I found the courage to reach out and touch the call button. But still, none of them answered. Which makes sense. I don't answer sometimes either. However, it was this mind boggling, throat stuck loneliness that I can't just walk into my mom's room to talk to her if I want to. I can't just wait for her to get home. I no longer have the security of belonging to a house filled with my family. Nowadays when no one answers, I belong to myself. I belong to myself and you, if you'll have me.

It feels good to be rebellious in these times. That is, when I finally sink in, give in, throw it in, the towel. It feels good to eat the snacks I was saving for in-two-days-fr0m-now me late at night as I write this. I was craving something sweet. I have this hunger, this intense hunger right now. What will finally satiate? And do I actually care? Stay up late. Stay up late. Miss the mark and get a second wind. Never knowing where the day ends or begins. Last night I did get a good sleep! I did! Tomorrow morning when I wake up, I don't know if I will say that same thing. You see, when I spend time in front of screens my energy is inevitable zapped. I try to raise my frequency, oh boy, I try. So now I stop trying. I stop.